Confucius says

Confucius says Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Confucius says Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Confucius says Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Confucius says Two wrongs not make right, three lefts do.
Confucius says Man who pee on electric fence, receive shocking news.
Confucius says Do not drink and park, accidents cause people.
Confucius says Man who get kicked in testicles left holding bag.
Confucius says He who crosses ocean twice without washing is dirty double crosser.
Confucius says Man who have head up ass, have crappy outlook on life.
Confucius says Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
Confucius says Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.
Confucius says Baby conceived in back seat of automatic car grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Confucius says Man who have hand in pockets not crazy, just feeling nuts.
Confucius says Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Confucius says Man who sit on tack get point.
Confucius says Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Confucius says Find blind man on nude beach, not hard.
Confucius says Girl who sit on lap of judge get honorable discharge.
Confucius says Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
Confucius says Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling change.
Confucius says Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth
Confucius says Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed.
Confucius says Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
Confucius says Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
Confucius says Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Confucius says Man who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.
Confucius says Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Confucius says A bird in hand makes it hard to blow nose.
Confucius says Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Confucius says Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Confucius says Man who sneezes without handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
Confucius says Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
Confucius says Sailor who get discharged from navy leave buddies behind.
Confucius says Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
Confucius says Girl who sit on lap of jockey get hot tip.
Confucius says Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.
Confucius says Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
Confucius says Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
Confucius says Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Confucius says Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
Confucius says Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Confucius says Woman who fly plane upside down have crackup.
Confucius says Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Confucius says Epileptic woman who give oral sex may bite big one.
Confucius says Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.
Confucius says Wife who slides down banister makes monkey shine.
Confucius says Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
Confucius says Man who kisses girls behind, gets crack in face.
Confucius says Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Confucius says Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
Confucius says Baseball wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Confucius says Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Confucius says America good place to Put Chinese Restaurant.
Confucius says It take square ass to shit a brick.
Confucius says To make egg roll, push it.
Confucius says To prevent hangover stay drunk!
Confucius says Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
Confucius says Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
Confucius says Confucius says Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
Confucius says Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Confucius says Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Confucius says Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Confucius says He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Confucius says Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
Confucius says War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Confucius says Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with smelly finger.
Confucius says Okay for shit to happen, will decompose.
Confucius says Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
Confucius says Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Confucius says Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
Confucius says Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.
Confucius says Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Confucius says Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.
Confucius says Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Confucius says Man who puts pecker in peanut butter jar is f***ing nuts.
Confucius says Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Confucius says Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
Confucius says Man who kiss epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
Confucius says Modern house without toilet uncanny.
Confucius says It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Confucius says Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Confucius says Man who sit on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Confucius says Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Confucius says Man who run in front of car get tired.
Confucius says Man who stand on toilet, must be high on pot.
Confucius says Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
Confucius says Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.
Confucius says Woman who go to man's apartment for snack may get tit bit.
Confucius says Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have crappy time.
Confucius says Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.
Confucius says Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
Confucius says Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
Confucius says Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.
Confucius says Support bacteria, it may be the only culture some people have.
Confucius says Virgin like balloon: one prick, all gone.
Confucius says Procrastination like masturbation, only screw self.
Confucius says Man who shoot off mouth, bound to lose face.
Confucius says Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants.
Confucius says He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without subject coming up.
Confucius says People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.

Hard work

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $9,000,000, which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment, and the death of an uncle who left him $8,999,999.50.

ETHICS

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in:

Should you or should you not tell your partner?”

Little Tommy

Little Tommy comes home from school, walks past his parents bedroom and hears
something going on, he opens the door and there is his mom and dad going at it!
His dad see's him and gives him a wink and a little smile which made Tommy jump back!
Tommy closes the door quickly.

A bit later Tommy's dad gets dressed, walks down the hall way and hears a commotion
in Tommy's room, opens the door and sees Tommy with his grand mother bent over the
bed just a going at it!

His dad says, "what the heck are you doing???!!!!""

Tommy says..." It's not so funny when it's YOUR mom is it dad!"

Maths

Q: How many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards?

A: You can subtract it as many times as you want, and it leaves 76 every time.

Bad Day

I've had a REALLY bad day! I rear-ended a car today. I tell you, It was a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BAD DAY!

The driver got out of the other car and he was a DWARF!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well then, which one ARE you?"

That's how the fight started.

Light the fuse and stand back.....

A woman calls the grocer and asks that he deliver 38 casas of milk. He asked; What do you want with so much milk? She tells him; I'm going to take a milk bath. He asks: Do you want it pasteurized? She says no, up to my neck will be fine...

Taxi driver

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling
me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front
of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I
asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again,
although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

Shopping

John sends Maggie shopping. Maggie later returns with two cases beer, two cases brandy, one case vodka, one case coke and two loaves of bread.
John:        are we having people over?
Maggie:    no, why?
John:       why so much bread??

Mrs. Neely

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?' 80% held up their hands.The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. 'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?' I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly. 'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?' 'Ninety-eight.' she replied. 'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
'I've outlived the bitches.'

I'm Fine thank you

A farmer named Daryl had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Daryl . "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Daryl responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Patsy..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Daryl said, "Well, I had just got Patsy into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Daryl's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Patsy.

Daryl thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Patsy, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Patsy was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Patsy moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Patsy moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what would you have said?"

Get Rich Quick

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to "love" him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked,
"What are those for?"

The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand...
"the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"

Longing...

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine." 

SINGLE vs. ENGAGED vs. MARRIED!!

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday, at theend of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight  
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey,
Batman, what's for dinner?"

All in the name...DUDE!

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

The best engine

A notable gynecologist once said,


"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental."

Coloured style

Gatiep, A Cape Coloured goes into a brothel in Kaapstad one night and
finds himself a Lady of the night . He asks her, "How much do you charge
for the hour meisie?" "R100," she replies.

So he asks, "awright do you do Coloured style?" She says "No!" He then
asks her, "I'll pay you R200 to do it Coloured style?" She again says
no, not knowing what Coloured style is! So he then offers her R300.
Again she declines his offer.

So finally he says, "I'll give you R500 to go Coloured style with me!"
Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10
years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from
weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad Could Coloured style
be?"

So she goes ahead with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every
possible position. Finally, after several intense hours They finish.
Exhausted, the Lady of the night turns to him and says,

"That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting
something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Coloured style come
in?"
Gatiep replies. "I'll pay you at the end of the month!"

The traffic cop

While I was driving down the N1 the other day, (going a little faster than I Should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a traffic-cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked: "Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum-stretcher," I responded.

The traffic cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum-stretcher??"

And just what does a rectum-stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger into a rectum, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot poepol?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind A bridge..."

LAG VIR 'N SLAG !!!

Two dyslexics walk into a bank and shout: "Air in the hands you Motherstickers, this is afuckup!!!"