A good wife

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle.

The cheeky Maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora....... The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

the EX factor

My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling.

With all the others, I was awake."

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said,

'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

And that's how the fight started...

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...

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I asked my wife,

'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested,

'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,

'Do you want to have $ex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said,

'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said,

'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started...

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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked,

'What's on TV?'

I said,

'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said,

'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her,

'Do you know him?'

'Yes,'

She sighed,

'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

I said,

'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

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Overboard

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They werestanding on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave cameup and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days andcouldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore withthe promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at thebottom of the ocean in a crab trap. We hauled her up to the deck, andattached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth$50,000. Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl, and re-bait the trap."

Perfect Shot

Hagar The Horrible

Tiger Woods

100 women were asked if they could imagine having sex with Tiger Woods. 80% of them said: "Never again!"

Diven to drink

A man is sitting in a pub and complains: " because my wife annoys me so much, I am drinking my sixth beer already.

It is incredible how much money this woman costs me!"

ETHICS

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in:

Should you or should you not tell your partner?”

FAQ...

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

Changes

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea honey, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

TRUTH

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

Strangers in the night.

A married couple were in bed one night when there was a knock on the door. The man went downstairs to find a man wanting a push. He said forget it and went to bed. When he went back upstairs his wife asked who was at the door. He told her some guy wanting a push and he went back to bed. His wife said, do you mean you didn't give him a push? After all the help strangers have given you over the years? How could you be so callous? You should be ashamed of yourself. Well he realized if he didn't get up and help the guy that he'd never hear the end of it. He went back downstairs and opened the door. It was pitch black outside and he couldn't see a thing. He called out, hey do you still need a push? A voice from the distance answered yes, yes I do. He asked where are you? I'm over here. Well, where's over here??? I'm on the swing.

Who's making the coffee?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

Respect

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Ring.

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his 4king forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Marraige of convenience

THIS IS TOO SWEET FOR WORDS!!!

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies.
Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"